The Problem with Arranged Marriage

problem with arranged marriage

Yes, you read the title of this post right. Yes there is a problem with arranged marriage, a BIG problem. And the problem starts with you.

Many of us out there that don’t date before marriage are content to wait for Allah to find us our life partner. We choose not to date or engage in intimate relations before marriage, because we believe that the only relationship between a man and a woman can be that of husband and wife. And so we’re content to wait.

But while we’re waiting for our parents, family, or friends to find us this ideal mate, we begin daydreaming. While we wait, we begin to concoct a fantasy in which we are the princess and our husband is the prince. While we wait, we begin to build up our future husband to epic proportions. He will look like a mix between David Beckham and Shah Rukh Khan. He will be into sports but also going to the theatre with us. He will be a millionaire and will spoil us. He will be everything we’ve ever dreamed of and more.

I speak from experience when I say it’s so easy to do this. We don’t mean to, but as we wait for our soul male, we begin to have unrealistic expectations of our future spouse so much so that when we meet potential suitors, we are not satisfied. Obviously they don’t look like a mix between your favourite celebrity crushes and nor are they a millionaire. They might have some of the qualities you dreamed of, and they might have some qualities that you didn’t dream of.

Many of us get so caught up in this ‘dream guy’ that we let many potential suitors walk by us, because we are so fixated on finding that guy that we have been dreaming about and thinking about for years. But I have news for you: he doesn’t exist.

The qualities or attributes that you’re looking for, some of them are superfluous. Money will come and go, and so can looks. But the strength of someone’s character and their faith in God are things that last a lifetime. So prioritize. What are the characteristics or attributes that are most important to you? Is praying 5 times a day important to you? Is someone who is family-oriented important to you? Is someone who is forgiving important to you?

Focus on the things that matter most to you and forget about the things that don’t matter. Allah has made a match specifically for you, and he might do all the things that annoy you, but he is the one that Allah has destined for you. And you will end up together no matter what. So have patience.

And while you are waiting for your ‘dream guy’, take a look at yourself. Are you someone’s idea of a dream girl? Meaning, do you possess all the qualities and attributes that you are searching for in a life partner? If not, work on yourself. Not for the sake of someone else, but for yourself. Be the best person you can be.

Marriage is no fairytale. It is a relationship that requires work, love, and patience. It is half our deen, but not all of it. So don’t focus all your energies on it and on your idea of what your ideal husband will be.

So pray, make dua, and have patience. May Allah reward give us the best in this world and the next, inshAllah.

Hope you girls found this useful. Keep smiling!

With love.

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