The number one question I get on Ask The Muslim Girl is about relationships. Many of you have emailed me in the past few asks asking me advice about boys, liking someone, wanting to get married to someone, halal relationships, etc. and I’ve been answering them to the best of my ability. But I wanted to do a post on all these things, like, love, relationships, and marriage, since it seems to be a pressing concern on many of your minds. First things first: I’m not the haram police and I’m not here to tell you that what you’re doing is right or wrong in regards to anything. Like everything else on this website, these are my personal opinions and you can take ’em or leave ’em. With that being said, let’s begin!
Liking someone is not a sin, girls! We’re all humans and we all have inclinations that lead us to like people, and there is nothing wrong with that. Whether it’s a classmate, a coworker, a celebrity, whoever, there are some feelings that we have that we can’t control. What we can control is what we do about them.
Liking someone or having a crush on someone and keeping it in your heart is one thing, but it is completely another to act upon it (unless you’re in the process of getting married; if so, see the relationships/marriage section below). Avoid flirting accidentally, and try to keep your feelings to yourself. If you’re not at the point of getting married in your life yet, sharing your feelings or letting the other person know you like them will lead to unnecessary complications, since dating isn’t permissible in Islam.
If the person that you like is in your group of friends or someone you see and interact with daily, try to keep your distance as soon as you become aware of your feelings. Keeping your distance doesn’t mean avoid them completely and become rude to them, but instead try to be mindful of what you say and how you act so as not to inadvertently let the other person know that you like them so as to invite a relationship.
It’s important not to get carried away by your feelings, which the media will encourage you to do, by selling you on the consumerism of love. Love is a feeling. It isn’t really halal or haram, but what it can make you do once you get carried away on those so-called feelings may be haram. If you think you love someone, ask yourself why. Is it because of the way they look? Is it because of the way they make you feel? A lot of the magical emotion of love that is sold to us in the media today is all about narcissism and feeling good about ourselves. Chances are if those are the reasons that you love someone, it isn’t love. It’s lust. If the reasons why you think you love someone are because of their character or their values, then maybe it’s time to think about marriage.
Before marriage, let’s talk about what usually comes before: relationships. Dating. Many of you already know that dating and relationships prior to marriage aren’t permissible in Islam, and so I’m not here to beat you over the head by telling you again.
What I am here to tell you is: I get it. I know the pressures of being young and feeling like you’re in love and wanting to be with someone. Like I said, those feelings are natural. And the pressures are real; whether it’s your friends, your society, the media around you, or just what you feel, it can be difficult to get away from the desire of wanting to date.
Sometimes it can even happen inadvertently. Dating looks like a lot of fun, but think about the consequences of your actions before you do it. Whether you call him your halal boyfriend or just your plain ol’ boyfriend, there’s no guarantee that you will marry him. None whatsoever. Many girls out there insist that they plan on getting married with the guy that they’re dating, and so their intention isn’t to fool around or be silly. And while your intentions may be pure, Shaitan definitely isn’t. And when a guy and a girl are alone together, the third is undoubtedly Shaitan.
So if you like someone and they like you, don’t date. Get married. Some of you might raise the concerns that you’re not in the financial capacity to get married or that you’re studying, etc., but if you are serious about the other person, protect yourselves by making the relationship halal and getting your nikkah done. You don’t need a lavish wedding or months of preparations to make the relationship halal in the eyes of God.
To go back to what I said earlier about keeping your feelings if you like someone, if you’re ready to get married, let the other person know! If you don’t ask, you’ll never know. And there’s lots of ways to do this: you can inquire through a friend, a family member, or a mutual acquaintance.
And girls, there’s nothing wrong with making the first step! Oftentimes we are often told that it’s shameful to ask the guy about marriage, but we have the Khadjah R.A’s (may Allah be pleased with her) example. She was interested in the Prophet (peace be upon him) and inquired about him. He considered her proposal and accepted. I talk a lot more about the process of getting married in my Marriage Talk series.
At the same time, don’t make the purpose of your life to get married, girls! If you’ve chosen to abstain from dating and relationships, this can be very tough, since getting married is your only way to have a halal relationship, but don’t make that your sole purpose. Focus on other things, and InshAllah God will make it happen when it’s meant to be.
Hope that answers your questions about like, love, relationships, and marriage. Like I said, liking someone isn’t haram. It’s what you choose to do about that can be a little tricky.
If you have any questions or any ideas for further topics, please let me know here! I read every message and try to respond within a few days.
Hope you found this useful. Keep smiling, beautiful girls!